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How to use the Distract and Direct technique to keep control of your sexual climax - even when she's in charge

The three most common sex positions that involve the woman being in control of the action are, of course, her on top facing you (cowgirl), her on top facing away from you (reverse cowgirl) and doggy style. Doggy style might at first seem like a position in which the man is in control, but in reality, quite often the girl will start to move backwards and forwards, and well, you get the idea. She takes control and the guy stands or kneels as the action goes on. So, with these two positions in mind, how do you control your stimulation levels without stopping the action? Well, you don't. You use the Distract and Direct technique. Here's how. Let's say your partner is on top of you, in cowgirl. She'd riding you and it's all good. Then you start to feel yourself moving rapidly up the stimulation scale, past a 5 and towards a 7. To clarify, the stimulation scale is something you can use in your head to identify how stimulated you are and therefore how close you are to reaching your climax. 0 is not stimulated at all. 3 is somewhat stimulated but still in total control. 6 is where you really start to feel stimulated. If you carried on with this level of stimulation, you'd rise to the next number on the scale: 7. 7 is where you're very sexually stimulated. When you go above a 7 on the stimulation scale, you get close to the point of no return which is a 9. Passing the point of no return means you're definitely going to ejaculate, no matter what you do.

By the time you reach 7 on this scale, you want to know that you're going to be able to adjust the action in a such a way that will allow you to slowly bring your stimulation level back down. Here's how. She's riding you and has been doing so for a minute or two. You reach 7 on the scale. You say to her, "That feels so good. Come here, I want to kiss you." She'll then bend down to kiss you, so instead of sitting up straight, she's now on top of you, with her head near yours and her chest pretty much parallel to your torso. Start kissing her and slowly take over the action. Because she's leaning forward so much, she'll naturally stop or vastly slow down the amount of bouncing and grinding she's doing. You can now place your hands on her rear and take over the thrusting AT YOUR OWN SPEED. This gives you the chance to get back to where you want to be on the stimulation scale. So, kissing her is the distraction and taking over the thrusting and movement is the direction. When you're ready for her to start again, stop kissing her and bring your hands back to your sides. She'll naturally sit up again and take over once more. There's no agreement or discussion here-it just works by itself because of the change in body positions. Now let's imagine you're in doggy and she's controlling the back and forth movement. You realise you're around the 7 mark on the scale. You need to distract and direct. Distract by leaning forward a little, reaching around her waist and rubbing her clit. This will make her slow down her movement. Now slowly begin to take over the thrusting, until you're going at a fair speed. At which point, lean back so you're vertical again and carry on. When you're ready for her to take over once more, stop thrusting and she'll feel a natural urge take control again.

The Distract and Direct technique works so well because the girl always feels like she's the one controlling the action, even when-for a minute or two-you take over. She doesn't realise this happens because she gets distracted by kissing or rubbing or something. Before she knows it, she's back controlling the action. This makes sex feel two-way, shared and therefore damn good, for you and for her.


Men, Emotions and Relationships

Historically, the consensus was that women are more emotional than men. Indeed, today many women still define themselves as more emotional than men. Over the past few decades many male clinicians, who have much experience working with men, have been disproving this idea. They have concluded that the majority of men have been socialized in a manner they refer to as, "brutal," which teaches boys to repress and deny their emotions. In 1995 the American Psychological Association formed a new division called the, "Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity," to gain more insight into the psychological effects of this socialization process.

This process has created many problems. To relate well to others, we need to know what we are feeling. Emotions give us valuable information. If a child is taught, during his formative years, that men do not, or should not have feelings, he will learn to ignore and repress the information he receives from his feelings and become overly reliant on his intellect. And while our intellect is a wonderful part of our brain and does great things for mankind, emotions also do great things for mankind. Several theorists believe that awareness of our own feelings may result in our treating other's, and the earth, in a more pro-survival manner. Ideally, thoughts and emotions work in synchronization.

Daniel Goldman's book "Emotional Intelligence" (1996) introduced the concept of emotional intelligence into popular culture. Efforts to understand and explain emotional intelligence began with Charles Darwin's work concerning the importance of emotional expression for survival and adaptation. Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify, assess and manage one's own emotions as well as the recognition of emotions of others. When we shame a child for having feelings, we separate him from an important source of information.


How To Give Your Woman 5 to 10 Orgasms In One Night!

Our latest question is from James who writes

"Can all women have multiple orgasms? Mine says she is satisfied after one clitoral climax and is too sensitive for any more touching."
July 2005 -

Dear James,